John Martin Schneider died at his home on Tuesday April 12th, 2011. His distinguished work as a Professor in the department of Psychiatry at Michigan State University that included writing and teaching about grief was well known. Yet it was not to remember his academic accomplishments that a few of us, including his wife Sharon Olson, gathered on May 13th for a Month’s Mind Ritual.
John was such an attractive human being. In our sex-obsessed society, this would usually be imagined as a reference to his sexual desirability or a judgment that he was handsome or alluring. John certainly attracted people to him because he was a lover, but this was a matter of heart and soul rather than sexuality. John was a kind, gentle and loving witness and an enthusiastic spirit for anyone who would bring their grief and despair, and they received from him the love and courage that was necessary for them to heal themselves and move through the underworld of loss.
Our Month’s Mind Ritual allowed all present to speak about John as they held the Talking Stick, and a Love, Loss, and Forgiveness Practice allowed all to speak to him for ten minutes as if these were the last moments we had with his Mortal self. We all need to say goodbye to the Mortal nature of those we love, but very often, through the suddenness of death or because we put off saying what we need to say, this does not happen. We also had the opportunity to imagine how we could continue to use the loving experiences with John to fuel living and dying more lovingly.
In the last paragraph of his book The Bridge of San Luis Rey, Thornton Wilder said “Soon we shall die, and we ourselves shall be loved for a while and forgotten.” And he ended: “There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning.” I take this to mean that if we have lived a loving life, the love lives on, and if our life was barren of love, nothing at all remains but ashes. John lived a loving life, so his love is still available to us even though his Mortal nature is not. We have around us many seemingly powerful men and women who have made killings in the market place and the “playing” field and in other wars in bedroom and battle ground, but unconditional lovers are an endangered species, and only they will dissolve the hatred that is killing us.
Thanks you, John, then and now. I love you and the other lovers who were so present at your Month’s Mind gathering.
Michael Murphy
3 comments:
Dear Michael, loosing a beloved friend is such a great loss! I gather from your letter that by sharing in the grief, by recollecting memories you were building that bridge of love between the dead and the living. May it ease the pain of loss.
It was a privilege for me to attend the healing two-day “Month’s Mind” program to honor my very dear colleague, Dr. John Schneider. John has influenced me in profound ways in a number of areas and he continues to do so. John shows me what healthy grieving looks like. John has been a true role model of self-care and has walked the walk for how a therapist can “be” in order to be a healing presence. John also emphasized the importance of healing community, and attending the Month’s Mind with Michael and many others who cared for John deeply was such a meaningful opportunity. In sharing my experiences and listening to others in the circle, and in the triads, I did feel despair and pain. Yet I also felt inspired, supported, heard, and less alone. To lose a dear one through death is heart-wrenching indeed, but we can survive even amidst the most painful emotions. To be open and loving with oneself, in the community of supportive others, is a gateway to peace. My heart sends out love to all of the special people who were graced by John’s exceptional soul and spirit.
Yes, Melissa. Despair, pain, shared stories, going through, and as we go through the tunnel of loss, love adheres to our inner beings. Thank you for your words and for being there. Michael
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