When I was 16 my father passed away. I was 55 when my Mom died. These two seminal life passages were so very different for me. What was the difference between Then and Now?
Loosing my Dad at such an early age left me filled with questions...how different would my life be, would my self-confidence and esteem issues be what they are? At 16, my response to his death was on such a deep level, I did not have the emotional depth to really understand it. My relationship with my mom became contentious. She was left a window at 45 with 3 children to finish raising. I was her youngest child, a teenage daughter who was defiant, with more than a little anger, lost and lashing out.. Mothers and daughters...it's a complex relationship under the best of circumstance.
In my adult life, her home was my haven, the place I returned to time after time. Her basement held boxes from each of the many moves in my life. I always knew I had a home with her. So when it became clear she could no longer live by herself, I moved her into my house. For the last 4 years of her life, she lived with me.
It created hardships, but brought far more joy. I slowed my life down for her. Parkinson's and dementia was slowly taking away her physical self, but her spirit never faltered.
Unexpectedly, Mom feel gravely ill. Per her directives, we began hospice care at home. What a remarkable gift this was from her. My sister stayed with me for the 3 weeks prior to Mom's passing. I had never spent that much time with my sister and it created an even stronger bond between us. 24/7 just us, no husband or kids, no work, just Mom, my sister and me. It gave us time together in a way that would never have happened had Mom not wanted hospice.
To be with the person who gave you life at the moment they pass to the next realm is remarkably life changing. As my sister and I each held a hand, Mom slipped away surrounded by her photos, her music and her two daughters. It was sad, but so beautiful to experience.
It is only now, one year later that I realize the different experiences I have had with my parents' deaths. The teenager is still struggling to understand what happened while the adult woman is honored to have been allowed to wittness such an intimate time in one's life. Through the experience of my mother's death I am now able to ask the questions and begin to let go of that angry, scared child who lost trust and felt deserted by her father. My mother gave me that gift by allowing me to help her die. It is the greatest gift of all and one I am eternally grateful for.
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Sunday, December 30, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Imagine Loving Yourself!
We are urged to love our neighbors as ourselves, and that is a disaster for the neighbors. In fact, most of us hardly know our neighbors and probably don’t like them never mind love them. No big surprise, because we are also unfamiliar with ourselves, and loving ourselves is something that we have been lead to believe is weak or self-indulgent or narcissistic, regardless of the fact that Narcissus killed himself because he discovered that he was unable to love himself. What if we really loved ourselves and then acted in the same manner towards those around us! Why should the love of another be the primary aspiration of our lives, and why not start with ourselves?
Imagine! Waking up and saying “Good morning! How glad I am to see you!” Imagine being our own best friend: someone we can trust, and someone to whom we can take our concerns and our worries without fear of judgement. Imagine being comfortable with solitude yet relishing connectedness!
Loving ourselves is giving voice to our feminine Soul nature, and the feminine within men is often unfamiliar. If we love ourselves or love other men, then we imagine we must be gay regardless of the fact that sexual preference has little or nothing to do with love. If we love ourselves, we might believe that we prefer masturbation to a sexual relationship with another, regardless of the fact that masturbation and sexual relationships may have nothing to do with love, and may be more akin to scratching an itch than to being an expression of caring. If we love a woman other than our wife that love may be seen as off limits. It must mean that we want sex, and we may have the erection to prove it, regardless of the fact that we can love ourselves and others without needing the sex to demonstrate it. So men are often lonely and out of touch with their feminine nature and may only permit themselves sportstalk, back slapping and a variety of addictions in association with other men, and chaperoned exchanges with women.
For women, loving themselves is the best preparation for unconditionally loving others. Many women who have little love for themselves dedicate their lives to filling the feminine void in men, but filling the emptiness of another is impossible as broken marriages and other relationships tell us, and neither the woman nor the man is satisfied once the bloom of sex is dimmed.
So let’s imagine loving ourselves. We will need to practice forgiveness, letting go of the doubts, judgements, and limitless ways in which we torture ourselves for not being someone else. Let’s look in the mirror, and love what we see. Let’s meditate on loving ourselves, and when we are full, the love will spill over and nourish others.
If we want a Happy New Year, let’s give it a try.
What do you think?
Please comment!
With love, Michael
Imagine! Waking up and saying “Good morning! How glad I am to see you!” Imagine being our own best friend: someone we can trust, and someone to whom we can take our concerns and our worries without fear of judgement. Imagine being comfortable with solitude yet relishing connectedness!
Loving ourselves is giving voice to our feminine Soul nature, and the feminine within men is often unfamiliar. If we love ourselves or love other men, then we imagine we must be gay regardless of the fact that sexual preference has little or nothing to do with love. If we love ourselves, we might believe that we prefer masturbation to a sexual relationship with another, regardless of the fact that masturbation and sexual relationships may have nothing to do with love, and may be more akin to scratching an itch than to being an expression of caring. If we love a woman other than our wife that love may be seen as off limits. It must mean that we want sex, and we may have the erection to prove it, regardless of the fact that we can love ourselves and others without needing the sex to demonstrate it. So men are often lonely and out of touch with their feminine nature and may only permit themselves sportstalk, back slapping and a variety of addictions in association with other men, and chaperoned exchanges with women.
For women, loving themselves is the best preparation for unconditionally loving others. Many women who have little love for themselves dedicate their lives to filling the feminine void in men, but filling the emptiness of another is impossible as broken marriages and other relationships tell us, and neither the woman nor the man is satisfied once the bloom of sex is dimmed.
So let’s imagine loving ourselves. We will need to practice forgiveness, letting go of the doubts, judgements, and limitless ways in which we torture ourselves for not being someone else. Let’s look in the mirror, and love what we see. Let’s meditate on loving ourselves, and when we are full, the love will spill over and nourish others.
If we want a Happy New Year, let’s give it a try.
What do you think?
Please comment!
With love, Michael
Thursday, December 13, 2007
On Re-membering My Nature
Gazing at the sea and on out to the horizon, I notice where sky and sea come together, and imagine that this is the meeting place of the Spirit and Soul of nature. The Spirit of nature is astral, uplifting, inspirational. The Soul is moist, deep, life-giving and beautiful to behold.
A boat moves slowly across the horizon from left to right, and I gaze until it is out of sight. It is there for a moment, and then it is gone, for the boat is like my Mortal nature: fragile in the immensity of Soul and Spirit, and only visible for the briefest time before it dies to our sight.
For the time being, my feminine Soul-nature keeps my Mortal boat afloat, and my masculine Spirit-nature gives me the wind and the courage to sail on.
Wonder full.
~ Michael Murphy
A boat moves slowly across the horizon from left to right, and I gaze until it is out of sight. It is there for a moment, and then it is gone, for the boat is like my Mortal nature: fragile in the immensity of Soul and Spirit, and only visible for the briefest time before it dies to our sight.
For the time being, my feminine Soul-nature keeps my Mortal boat afloat, and my masculine Spirit-nature gives me the wind and the courage to sail on.
Wonder full.
~ Michael Murphy
Friday, December 7, 2007
Gazing at Dzogchen Beara
Dr. Murphy Gazing (Photo: J. Carlson copyright 2007)
Dzogchen Beara is the site of this Spings taping of the workshops that will lead to the learning films on Love, Loss and Forgiveness. These short, experiential films, are a cornerstone in the developing program to aid us all in learning more about our relationships to ourselves and love, loss and forgiveness.
Here is what Michael says about this special place:
"I rediscovered my Celtic roots on the Beara Peninsula in Ireland a handful of miles from where my father was born. Beara is a spectacular speck on the planet where the wild masculine Spirit of nature is so much in evidence in the clouds and the wind, and the earthy, moist feminine Soul of nature bids us welcome in this Irish place. It is the feminine that is so frighteningly absent in our modern masculine super-Spiritual industrial and scientific world, and this vital feminine is so palpable in rural Ireland. In Beara, my Mortal self discovered the Spirit and Soul of nature, which in turn allowed me to rediscover my own Spirit and Soul. I imagine this reunion as a Celtic Trinity that is stable and loving, in contrast to the masculinized Trinity worshiped by many religions that is unbalanced because of the exclusion of the feminine Soul. The Celtic Trinity is a shamrock-like connection of Mortal, Soul and Spirit that we have forgotten. This Celtic-inspired rediscovery of who we are and where we came from is the subject of "Secrets of Love, Loss & Forgiveness."
For those of you who don’t yet know it, Dzogchen Beara is a small Buddhist monastery with a view over the Atlantic that is beyond belief. Workshop participants are invited to attend the morning meditation, and the community offers us loving kindness, food, and the most amazing sanctuary in which Soul, Spirit, and Mortal can be in harmony. Dzogchen Beara is to me an incarnation of the place that is Beara."
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Announcement: Michael's Musings
For those of you who know Michael, one of the refreshing things about him is his facile and creative mind. Here begins a new thread called "Michael's Musings."
From Eurekas at four in the morning, to uncensored thoughts on society and the psyche, Michael let's his thinking free in this new thread that is sure to stir our own thoughts and inspire us to comment. Enjoy!
From Eurekas at four in the morning, to uncensored thoughts on society and the psyche, Michael let's his thinking free in this new thread that is sure to stir our own thoughts and inspire us to comment. Enjoy!
Michael's Musings
Mirror Mirror on the Wall
We often turn ourselves into someone that we dislike intensely because a parent or other important person berated us so often (in rage and loathing and self-righteousness that they would deny) that we began to believe that we were the person they said we were.. In judgmental rage-infested bursts, they called us useless or dumb or wild or mean or a nobody, and they may even have assaulted us physically or sexually as well as emotionally, and we began to live their image of who we are in excruciating detail. When we looked in the mirror, we detested the creation that we saw.
What we see in the mirror if we will gaze, is the loss of innocence. A terrifying void is created by the absence of Soul and Spirit who fled from the abuse, and we attempt to avoid that reflection at all costs by refusing to look. It is the loss of self-esteem that we see in the mirror, and it drives us mad, for we know that we cannot live lovingly without our Soul and our Spirit. It drives us mad with hatred or it drives us mad with grief, and we become depressed or filled with anxiety or, like Narcissus, we may kill ourselves. Psychiatrists give us diagnoses of depression or panic or anxiety and prescribe pills, but no pill ever changes a reflection nor fills a void.
Take this pill,
It helps you not to shout.
It takes away the life
You’re better off without
~R.D.Laing
We often turn ourselves into someone that we dislike intensely because a parent or other important person berated us so often (in rage and loathing and self-righteousness that they would deny) that we began to believe that we were the person they said we were.. In judgmental rage-infested bursts, they called us useless or dumb or wild or mean or a nobody, and they may even have assaulted us physically or sexually as well as emotionally, and we began to live their image of who we are in excruciating detail. When we looked in the mirror, we detested the creation that we saw.
What we see in the mirror if we will gaze, is the loss of innocence. A terrifying void is created by the absence of Soul and Spirit who fled from the abuse, and we attempt to avoid that reflection at all costs by refusing to look. It is the loss of self-esteem that we see in the mirror, and it drives us mad, for we know that we cannot live lovingly without our Soul and our Spirit. It drives us mad with hatred or it drives us mad with grief, and we become depressed or filled with anxiety or, like Narcissus, we may kill ourselves. Psychiatrists give us diagnoses of depression or panic or anxiety and prescribe pills, but no pill ever changes a reflection nor fills a void.
Take this pill,
It helps you not to shout.
It takes away the life
You’re better off without
~R.D.Laing
Friday, November 30, 2007
Letting Go: A Magical Experience
We got the call from my brother. Papa had just passed away at the nursing home. My mom and I went out the door.....I suddenly felt him everywhere at once, in the stars, the fragrant night air, the cricket's chorus, the trees, the earth......more potently present than where he had just been, in a body that was broken and painful and uncooperative.
As we moved towards the car, I found myself turning to the thick darkness and saying, "Dad, we're going to say goodbye to your body, but I know you are here....and we'll be right back!"
We arrived at the nursing home, and then we saw his face, and he looked like himself for the first time in a year, really. No more contortion of discomfort, smooth as a calm lake, and a gorgeous smile! So what was your transition like, Dad? Who escorted you through the portal? What does it feel like to expand in every direction with no limitations? How wonderful to be done with your body, and begin anew. I see/feel your smile inside my head/heart and am delighting in this magical experience. I know the waves will hit me harder down the road, but for now I relish in this palpable connection with this mystery, this miracle of death, and with the pleasure of celebrating amazing, brilliant, kind hearted, wonder-filled you with everyone, and with myself. Thank you!
Your loving daughter,
Laura
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As we moved towards the car, I found myself turning to the thick darkness and saying, "Dad, we're going to say goodbye to your body, but I know you are here....and we'll be right back!"
We arrived at the nursing home, and then we saw his face, and he looked like himself for the first time in a year, really. No more contortion of discomfort, smooth as a calm lake, and a gorgeous smile! So what was your transition like, Dad? Who escorted you through the portal? What does it feel like to expand in every direction with no limitations? How wonderful to be done with your body, and begin anew. I see/feel your smile inside my head/heart and am delighting in this magical experience. I know the waves will hit me harder down the road, but for now I relish in this palpable connection with this mystery, this miracle of death, and with the pleasure of celebrating amazing, brilliant, kind hearted, wonder-filled you with everyone, and with myself. Thank you!
Your loving daughter,
Laura
SHARE YOUR STORY Click here for more information
Monday, November 26, 2007
Announcement: Share your Stories
One important aspect of The Love, Loss and Forgiveness Project is creating community, and one way to do that is for us all to share our stories.
We invite you, the readers of this blog, to this new Thread (a "Thread" is a weekly posting with a specific topic or focus) called "Letting Go," that will highlight postings written by you; stories about your personal experiences with fear, loss and grief and what you did, or tried to do, to re-member yourselves as you moved through the difficulties. If you so chose, your submissions may be made anonymously.
The stories should be under 450 words, longer submissions will be posted as a series over a number of weeks.
One of the fun and educational parts of a Blog is the comments feature, please click on the word "comment" after each post and use this opportunity to interact with the community in support of each other's story's. There is so much we can learn from one another.
As this new Blog develops, we invite your ideas for other topics as possible new Threads.
We invite you, the readers of this blog, to this new Thread (a "Thread" is a weekly posting with a specific topic or focus) called "Letting Go," that will highlight postings written by you; stories about your personal experiences with fear, loss and grief and what you did, or tried to do, to re-member yourselves as you moved through the difficulties. If you so chose, your submissions may be made anonymously.
The stories should be under 450 words, longer submissions will be posted as a series over a number of weeks.
One of the fun and educational parts of a Blog is the comments feature, please click on the word "comment" after each post and use this opportunity to interact with the community in support of each other's story's. There is so much we can learn from one another.
As this new Blog develops, we invite your ideas for other topics as possible new Threads.
Letting Go: Farewell to my Father
A year ago today, at an intensive care unit in a New York City hospital, I placed my left hand on my Dad’s heart just as he died. The rush of energy that flowed through me at that moment is as unforgettable as the spirit of the man who fathered me into this world, a gentleman who always did his best to provide his family with support and love.
Today, on this anniversary of his passing, I lit a candle that will burn for 24 hours in his memory, illuminating the very last photograph I took of him alive. In quiet reflection I wonder how it is ever possible to let someone like him go completely—to accept fully his death—to let the parts of him that I still may harbor in myself move up and out of me, allowing for his souls own completion in whatever state of grace it finds itself in now. And letting go, must go both ways, for my soul too needs to find wholeness as a still living being on this planet.
Mother turned 85 years old this November, and me, 50. For our birthdays, we decided to skydive for the very first time. It was something she always wanted to do, but knowing it would scare my father to death, waited until he actually was gone to do it.
For me leaping out of a plane 14000 feet about the earth, was in many ways an experience as close to dying as I ever had before. In fact, there was much about it that mirrored Dad’s experience of a year ago; the intense aloneness (even while in the company of others, it was something ultimately each of us had to do ourselves), the newness of sensation (our bodies were experiencing things they had never suffered before, for me it was falling at 120 mph for 7000 feet) and the disconnection (we both had left the grounded-ness of the earth, for me, it manifested mostly as floating through large billowing clouds).
In reality, I was just a few threads of parachute cord and nylon material away from truly experiencing my own demise as well.
In a few hours the memorial candle will go out.
For Mother and me and our family, these two intense, life-altering experiences are behind us now. We must each, for ourselves; continue to say YES to life, to live each moment like it was our last, to acknowledge with love our own true beings and to hold these fragile and magnificent mortals, gently, for the rest of our days.
jdcarlson2001@yahoo.com
SHARE YOUR STORY Click here for more information
Today, on this anniversary of his passing, I lit a candle that will burn for 24 hours in his memory, illuminating the very last photograph I took of him alive. In quiet reflection I wonder how it is ever possible to let someone like him go completely—to accept fully his death—to let the parts of him that I still may harbor in myself move up and out of me, allowing for his souls own completion in whatever state of grace it finds itself in now. And letting go, must go both ways, for my soul too needs to find wholeness as a still living being on this planet.
Mother turned 85 years old this November, and me, 50. For our birthdays, we decided to skydive for the very first time. It was something she always wanted to do, but knowing it would scare my father to death, waited until he actually was gone to do it.
For me leaping out of a plane 14000 feet about the earth, was in many ways an experience as close to dying as I ever had before. In fact, there was much about it that mirrored Dad’s experience of a year ago; the intense aloneness (even while in the company of others, it was something ultimately each of us had to do ourselves), the newness of sensation (our bodies were experiencing things they had never suffered before, for me it was falling at 120 mph for 7000 feet) and the disconnection (we both had left the grounded-ness of the earth, for me, it manifested mostly as floating through large billowing clouds).
In reality, I was just a few threads of parachute cord and nylon material away from truly experiencing my own demise as well.
In a few hours the memorial candle will go out.
For Mother and me and our family, these two intense, life-altering experiences are behind us now. We must each, for ourselves; continue to say YES to life, to live each moment like it was our last, to acknowledge with love our own true beings and to hold these fragile and magnificent mortals, gently, for the rest of our days.
jdcarlson2001@yahoo.com
SHARE YOUR STORY Click here for more information
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Greetings All
Welcome to the new Weblog for the Love, Loss and Forgiveness Project.
It is easy for anyone who has engaged with Michael Murphy at one of his workshops on Love, Loss and Forgiveness to know the importance of what he does.
In his work he deftly guides participants towards making healthier connections with themselves and challenges them to go even deeper still. He connects them with their basic humanity, encouraging them to marry their thinking to their bodies, souls and spirits.
In short, he leads us to the acknowledgment of our selves, then opens us up enough to fall in love with what we find there and teaches us to use our own resources-- tools acquired through living life and experiencing loss-- to build a renewed sense of self that ultimately supports our living healthier and fulfilled lives.
We hope you will become a frequent visitor to this site, as we provide a place to share ideas and stories about our individual journeys towards learning to love ourselves, and in the process, help to make the world a saner place.
Below you will find an introduction written by Dr. Murphy.
It is easy for anyone who has engaged with Michael Murphy at one of his workshops on Love, Loss and Forgiveness to know the importance of what he does.
In his work he deftly guides participants towards making healthier connections with themselves and challenges them to go even deeper still. He connects them with their basic humanity, encouraging them to marry their thinking to their bodies, souls and spirits.
In short, he leads us to the acknowledgment of our selves, then opens us up enough to fall in love with what we find there and teaches us to use our own resources-- tools acquired through living life and experiencing loss-- to build a renewed sense of self that ultimately supports our living healthier and fulfilled lives.
We hope you will become a frequent visitor to this site, as we provide a place to share ideas and stories about our individual journeys towards learning to love ourselves, and in the process, help to make the world a saner place.
Below you will find an introduction written by Dr. Murphy.
Introduction: Love Loss and Forgiveness Project
Dear Friends,
In these days of war against terrorism, politicians have used fear of death along with suspicion, rumors, lies, and deception to retain power, and the media fuels this dark purpose. Confidence in politicians and the political process has reached drought proportions, and religions also offer little hope, with self-righteous fundamentalists fighting one another in the name of a higher power. If there is to be change and hatred and greed are to be displaced, love is the only solution. Love will not flourish unless it is deeply rooted in each of our individual Mortal beings. We must learn to love ourselves, and then love will spread.
The Love, Loss, and Forgiveness Project begins with the impression that few of us love ourselves very much. We have been raised to put others first, especially our children, and there is little understanding that the greatest gift parents can give their children is that they love themselves and each other. Only then are children free to thrive in love.
One of the most important secrets of Love, Loss, and Forgiveness is that when we learn to love ourselves unconditionally, we are well prepared to love others, and hatred will have no place. Another secret is that when we are prepared to experience the pain and grief of everyday loss, we are also prepared to experience the creative possibilities that follow. When we are prepared to forgive, we will know how to lay down the heavy burdens found in our stories of betrayal, abuse and hurt. It is the weight of these stories that make the loving life so difficult to live. When we love ourselves, we say “hello,” and when we say hello to ourselves and others we are in a position to say “goodbye,” as it is inevitable that we will someday need to say goodbye to our Mortal selves, and to those we love.
As the The Love, Loss, and Forgiveness Project develops it will make available to you filmed materials (based on the workshops of the same name) and will be accompanied by interpretive guidebooks. There will also be a vibrant online community created for additional support with forums and other guided learning environments. These resources will help inspire and give you tools that will help you lead more loving lives as you create ongoing, home-based, peer learning opportunities that become woven into your everyday lives.
These materials and the methods will unfold on this blog and on the upcoming Website as the Love Loss and Forgiveness Project grows.
Join us on this exciting journey towards a deeper understanding of love, loss and forgiveness!
With Love,
Michael Murphy
In these days of war against terrorism, politicians have used fear of death along with suspicion, rumors, lies, and deception to retain power, and the media fuels this dark purpose. Confidence in politicians and the political process has reached drought proportions, and religions also offer little hope, with self-righteous fundamentalists fighting one another in the name of a higher power. If there is to be change and hatred and greed are to be displaced, love is the only solution. Love will not flourish unless it is deeply rooted in each of our individual Mortal beings. We must learn to love ourselves, and then love will spread.
The Love, Loss, and Forgiveness Project begins with the impression that few of us love ourselves very much. We have been raised to put others first, especially our children, and there is little understanding that the greatest gift parents can give their children is that they love themselves and each other. Only then are children free to thrive in love.
One of the most important secrets of Love, Loss, and Forgiveness is that when we learn to love ourselves unconditionally, we are well prepared to love others, and hatred will have no place. Another secret is that when we are prepared to experience the pain and grief of everyday loss, we are also prepared to experience the creative possibilities that follow. When we are prepared to forgive, we will know how to lay down the heavy burdens found in our stories of betrayal, abuse and hurt. It is the weight of these stories that make the loving life so difficult to live. When we love ourselves, we say “hello,” and when we say hello to ourselves and others we are in a position to say “goodbye,” as it is inevitable that we will someday need to say goodbye to our Mortal selves, and to those we love.
As the The Love, Loss, and Forgiveness Project develops it will make available to you filmed materials (based on the workshops of the same name) and will be accompanied by interpretive guidebooks. There will also be a vibrant online community created for additional support with forums and other guided learning environments. These resources will help inspire and give you tools that will help you lead more loving lives as you create ongoing, home-based, peer learning opportunities that become woven into your everyday lives.
These materials and the methods will unfold on this blog and on the upcoming Website as the Love Loss and Forgiveness Project grows.
Join us on this exciting journey towards a deeper understanding of love, loss and forgiveness!
With Love,
Michael Murphy
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