Loss takes on may guises. I am just beginning to understand this. I always associated loss with great sadness, but I am learning that loss is not always sad but is always life altering.
I am losing. I am losing weight and yes, that is a type of loss. All my life I have struggled with overweight issues. Discovering why it has been such a struggle is helping me let go of the past and move into the future that I desire.
I'm starting to let go. Letting go of all the things that my child-self thinks the extra pounds are hiding. What has it been hiding from if not my self. It's a wondrous path of discovery, and very scary. I fear that I will once again fail in my quest. I fear that my imaginings of what life will be like without a weight problem will not be any different. Then I ask, how could it not? Loss is transformative. To successfully confront this loss, I must be honest with myself. And yes, I must look at loss from a new perspective, one with anticipation of the new things to open up as opposed to holding onto the safety of the past. This is a joyous loss and one I need to celebrate while still honoring the feelings of loss.
The past informs our lives, but it does not need to dictate our future. I think that this loss is teaching me that I must Forgive-- forgive myself; Let Go-- lose the tethers that hold me back; Love-- the present, embracing all the possibilities that come without fear.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
Unprepared Transformation
After a longish day cleaning out my parents' house, I was in the local grocery store. Dashing to get through my list so I could get home and wash off the grime and exhaustion, I was caught up short by the gaze. I mean frozen (or warmed) in my tracks. There it was in the ground beef section, beaming between a mom and her infant, rendering them oblivious of all but their oneness. It was stunning.
Then it was over as if it had not been. Mom turned to ponder the sirloin vs. the chuck and the infant, after a brief pause to see if Mom's focus would return, let his eyes wander. They shifted smoothly, but they had been somewhere very, very else.
I was unprepared for how transformed I, a mere observer, was by their gaze. Its radiated light bestowed a sense of wholeness and belonging upon me as well. When I too moved on, the grime and fatigue of the day were weightless. –Nancy Harding
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Michael's Musings- The Winds of Spring
There is a huge storm churning the waves in south-west Ireland where I am living and writing these words, and it seems like Spring is blowing winter out to sea to make room for new beginnings.
Spring and Easter are special times to remind ourselves about Love, Loss, and Forgiveness; If we forget or neglect these facets of our lives, we will be chained to impossible dreams of others, going nowhere alone and forever carrying burdens that cause us endless suffering.
I knew little of love in earlier years. I was told that God loved me. Perhaps he or she did, but I certainly didn’t. As I look back, I see myself surrounded by good people who often spoke about love but practiced self-neglect. I learned obediently from them, and love never became a part of me until much later in life. Like those in my proximity, I also attempted to ignore most of my losses and my screams, and seldom if ever experienced loss as a catalyst for living a more loving life.
Furthermore, without self-love, forgiveness was an impersonal religious ritual that passed me by, never releasing me from shame and guilt and self-neglect. But in later years in the hospice and in my workshops I was fortunate to learn before it was too late.
Soon the storm will pass, and in the opening moments of spring we will film a workshop on Love, Loss, and Forgiveness as part of the Love, Loss, and Forgiveness Project. We trust that the films that emerge from the lives of courageous people who will offer us glimpses of their stories will encourage large numbers of people from everywhere embrace Love, Loss, and Forgiveness in their own lives. We will re-member our three natures—Mortal, Soul, and Spirit—and in remembering, enable ourselves to live lives fueled by love rather than wasting our mortality going through the motions of living paralyzed by fear and hatred.
Pause for a moment and gaze out to sea. Can you hear the promise of Spring from the far side of the wind?
Listen.
--Michael Murphy March 10th 2008: Castletownbere, West Cork
(Photo: J. Carlson copyright 2007)
Spring and Easter are special times to remind ourselves about Love, Loss, and Forgiveness; If we forget or neglect these facets of our lives, we will be chained to impossible dreams of others, going nowhere alone and forever carrying burdens that cause us endless suffering.
I knew little of love in earlier years. I was told that God loved me. Perhaps he or she did, but I certainly didn’t. As I look back, I see myself surrounded by good people who often spoke about love but practiced self-neglect. I learned obediently from them, and love never became a part of me until much later in life. Like those in my proximity, I also attempted to ignore most of my losses and my screams, and seldom if ever experienced loss as a catalyst for living a more loving life.
Furthermore, without self-love, forgiveness was an impersonal religious ritual that passed me by, never releasing me from shame and guilt and self-neglect. But in later years in the hospice and in my workshops I was fortunate to learn before it was too late.
Soon the storm will pass, and in the opening moments of spring we will film a workshop on Love, Loss, and Forgiveness as part of the Love, Loss, and Forgiveness Project. We trust that the films that emerge from the lives of courageous people who will offer us glimpses of their stories will encourage large numbers of people from everywhere embrace Love, Loss, and Forgiveness in their own lives. We will re-member our three natures—Mortal, Soul, and Spirit—and in remembering, enable ourselves to live lives fueled by love rather than wasting our mortality going through the motions of living paralyzed by fear and hatred.
Pause for a moment and gaze out to sea. Can you hear the promise of Spring from the far side of the wind?
Listen.
--Michael Murphy March 10th 2008: Castletownbere, West Cork
(Photo: J. Carlson copyright 2007)
Monday, March 10, 2008
What does "LOVE" mean?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does 'love' mean? The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7
'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'
Emily - age 8
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8
'My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
C lare - age 6
'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
C hris - age 7
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day'
Mary Ann - age 4
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'
Mark - age 6
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8
And the final one...
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry'
What does love mean to you?
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7
'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'
Emily - age 8
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8
'My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
C lare - age 6
'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
C hris - age 7
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day'
Mary Ann - age 4
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'
Mark - age 6
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8
And the final one...
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry'
What does love mean to you?
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Michael's Musings - Leadership
February: Is the month of my birthday. Even though I will be seventy-seven (usually on the last day of the month, but not this year), I have not retired. I have advanced. I am still pregnant with possibilities, and I have tried to adopt a new way of imagining my Spirit, because we are in urgent need of a new and vital form of Spirit that will lead us out of the dreadful dangers we are in. You and I must rise up and become the leaders we need. Let’s do it together. Happy birthday!
Leadership in the face of Dragons, Warriors, and Other Dangers
How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races, the myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses? Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love. –Rilke
Rage and fire and dragons may be transformed by the loving feminine into a masculine Spirit that protects and makes safe rather than one that conquers and kills. Young boys are often snatched too early from the maternal (and sometimes paternal) Soul that would have taught them softness. Instead, thrust into the arena of competition that judges them winners or losers, and admires marines and other terror-mongers that breathe fire and death, they learn to become warriors who are feted as heroes. What causes us to make monsters out of men? All too often, marines and other warriors return home so very much alone, and discover that their brutalized Souls have forsaken them causing love to pass them by. Many are suffering from Post Traumatic Soul Derangement, and, like Narcissus, some kill themselves while others take pills and potions in a desperate attempt to fill the void. Others act with beauty and courage, and only in the face of beauty and courage will love reappear.
For our survival, we need a new paradigm for the masculine Spirit. We need a Spirit—a leader—that acts with beauty and courage and makes us safe for love. The age-old winner-warrior may promise security and appear to be powerful, but this Spirit creates legions of losers and coffins full of the dead who will haunt us.
In the umbra of a disastrous and untrustworthy US Presidential leadership wholly lacking in beauty and courage, we crave a new leadership that will inspire us to rise up and channel our energy into a powerhouse of love. We need a hopeful and inspirational alternative to the hunter-gatherer leaders or the heroic warrior leaders who are violent Spirits from the dark side of history that still repeats itself as we fight each other and consume ourselves to death. We need not wait for the coming of a new political Spirit. We may adopt this new paradigm of masculine Spirit that will love our feminine Soul, and then our Mortal nature will feel safe and well prepared to live the loving life. Then and only then will the world be transformed. --Michael Murphy
Leadership in the face of Dragons, Warriors, and Other Dangers
How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races, the myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses? Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love. –Rilke
Rage and fire and dragons may be transformed by the loving feminine into a masculine Spirit that protects and makes safe rather than one that conquers and kills. Young boys are often snatched too early from the maternal (and sometimes paternal) Soul that would have taught them softness. Instead, thrust into the arena of competition that judges them winners or losers, and admires marines and other terror-mongers that breathe fire and death, they learn to become warriors who are feted as heroes. What causes us to make monsters out of men? All too often, marines and other warriors return home so very much alone, and discover that their brutalized Souls have forsaken them causing love to pass them by. Many are suffering from Post Traumatic Soul Derangement, and, like Narcissus, some kill themselves while others take pills and potions in a desperate attempt to fill the void. Others act with beauty and courage, and only in the face of beauty and courage will love reappear.
For our survival, we need a new paradigm for the masculine Spirit. We need a Spirit—a leader—that acts with beauty and courage and makes us safe for love. The age-old winner-warrior may promise security and appear to be powerful, but this Spirit creates legions of losers and coffins full of the dead who will haunt us.
In the umbra of a disastrous and untrustworthy US Presidential leadership wholly lacking in beauty and courage, we crave a new leadership that will inspire us to rise up and channel our energy into a powerhouse of love. We need a hopeful and inspirational alternative to the hunter-gatherer leaders or the heroic warrior leaders who are violent Spirits from the dark side of history that still repeats itself as we fight each other and consume ourselves to death. We need not wait for the coming of a new political Spirit. We may adopt this new paradigm of masculine Spirit that will love our feminine Soul, and then our Mortal nature will feel safe and well prepared to live the loving life. Then and only then will the world be transformed. --Michael Murphy
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Letting Go: Not Like Everyone Else
Not Like Everyone Else
Long ago I figured it out. That’s just the way I am.
For example: I have never been able to understand
what's so great about sliced bread,
search everywhere for the other variety.
And there is no desire lurking inside me
for a large-screen TV.
Still, it seems a bit strange that now, mostly,
what I feel is this sense of peace.
Dylan Thomas would never have approved (at least,
not if we believe what he says in the villanelle).
Toward the end Dad was sleeping all the time—
even when someone shook him,
called persistently in his ear.
How much additional transition is there,
I ask myself, between one "good night"
and the next?
Let him go, gently.
He was ten weeks shy of 94 years
and, until a month ago,
could have engaged you
in an intelligent conversation. Can’t see
how we have any right to be upset.
Had either of them departed quickly,
never suffered their prolonged frailty,
a younger son might still be inclined to dwell
upon parental insufficiency. Instead,
over time, youth and age exchanged
places. (In the end, now-sightless eyes
still twinkling, Dad even introduced me
to everyone as his father.) And I forged
a bond with each that otherwise
might still be counted among the missing.
Let him go, gently.
Perhaps, I decide, it’s not so strange
that now what I feel, mostly,
is this sense of peace.
Steve Bloom
January 2007
SHARE YOUR STORY Click here for more information
Long ago I figured it out. That’s just the way I am.
For example: I have never been able to understand
what's so great about sliced bread,
search everywhere for the other variety.
And there is no desire lurking inside me
for a large-screen TV.
Still, it seems a bit strange that now, mostly,
what I feel is this sense of peace.
Dylan Thomas would never have approved (at least,
not if we believe what he says in the villanelle).
Toward the end Dad was sleeping all the time—
even when someone shook him,
called persistently in his ear.
How much additional transition is there,
I ask myself, between one "good night"
and the next?
Let him go, gently.
He was ten weeks shy of 94 years
and, until a month ago,
could have engaged you
in an intelligent conversation. Can’t see
how we have any right to be upset.
Had either of them departed quickly,
never suffered their prolonged frailty,
a younger son might still be inclined to dwell
upon parental insufficiency. Instead,
over time, youth and age exchanged
places. (In the end, now-sightless eyes
still twinkling, Dad even introduced me
to everyone as his father.) And I forged
a bond with each that otherwise
might still be counted among the missing.
Let him go, gently.
Perhaps, I decide, it’s not so strange
that now what I feel, mostly,
is this sense of peace.
Steve Bloom
January 2007
SHARE YOUR STORY Click here for more information
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Michael's Musings - On Being Pregnant
In 1964, Robert Coles interviewed a poor black woman who spoke of the desperation of her life, and the difficulty of finding happiness:
“To me, having a baby inside me is the only time I’m really alive.”
She was right and she always will be, for life is all about being pregnant. It is all about being alive and feeling alive with love inside, for that is what the inner child gives us. Yes, a woman feels alive during pregnancy, but if the life she feels is that of a child other than her own, the feeling will pass after birth and not return until the next pregnancy.
It is only when we feel pregnant with love for ourselves that we feel really alive and know why Mona Lisa smiles.
Women need to be pregnant, and men need to be pregnant. There is no other way of being in touch once again with our whole nature. There is no other way of re-membering.
For men, making a killing during the hunting season or in the battlefield or in the stock market doesn’t do it. Acquiring mounds of minerals and magnifying our net worth, or scoring bulls eyes with hoards of women, or being immersed in any other addiction does not fill the emptiness that only being pregnant and re-membering can fill. Having a son, and being filled with pride is no substitute for being pregnant with our own inner child and filled with love, for only when we are filled with love are we prepared to become lovers of our sons and peacemakers instead of warriors.
Tony Blair quoted Thornton Wilder* at the Memorial Service to the British people who died in the Twin Towers: “But soon we shall die and all memory of those five will have left the earth, and we ourselves shall be loved for a while and forgotten. But the love will have been enough; all those impulses of love return to the love that made them. Even memory is not necessary for love. There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning.”
Let us all be aware and celebrate our life-long pregnancy, for love is the only survival, the only meaning. --Michael Murphy
*The Bridge of San Luis Rey, Thornton Wilder
“To me, having a baby inside me is the only time I’m really alive.”
She was right and she always will be, for life is all about being pregnant. It is all about being alive and feeling alive with love inside, for that is what the inner child gives us. Yes, a woman feels alive during pregnancy, but if the life she feels is that of a child other than her own, the feeling will pass after birth and not return until the next pregnancy.
It is only when we feel pregnant with love for ourselves that we feel really alive and know why Mona Lisa smiles.
Women need to be pregnant, and men need to be pregnant. There is no other way of being in touch once again with our whole nature. There is no other way of re-membering.
For men, making a killing during the hunting season or in the battlefield or in the stock market doesn’t do it. Acquiring mounds of minerals and magnifying our net worth, or scoring bulls eyes with hoards of women, or being immersed in any other addiction does not fill the emptiness that only being pregnant and re-membering can fill. Having a son, and being filled with pride is no substitute for being pregnant with our own inner child and filled with love, for only when we are filled with love are we prepared to become lovers of our sons and peacemakers instead of warriors.
Tony Blair quoted Thornton Wilder* at the Memorial Service to the British people who died in the Twin Towers: “But soon we shall die and all memory of those five will have left the earth, and we ourselves shall be loved for a while and forgotten. But the love will have been enough; all those impulses of love return to the love that made them. Even memory is not necessary for love. There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning.”
Let us all be aware and celebrate our life-long pregnancy, for love is the only survival, the only meaning. --Michael Murphy
*The Bridge of San Luis Rey, Thornton Wilder
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Michael's Musings -HAPPY NEW YEAR
This is the Year of Love, Loss, and Forgiveness
The year in which we begin to replace the prevailing atmosphere of hatred and fear with one of love and creativity. If we are to live our lives lovingly, we must start with ourselves and then spread the movement outwards and upwards. First, we must re-member. We must recover and treasure the three members of our nature, for only when these three parts are in balance are we capable of giving and receiving unconditional love
This is a picture of unconditional love. There is nothing at all between Alma and Ellen except love, and the love is expressed in The Gaze. The three parts of their Trinitarian nature are so apparent. We clearly see their Mortal selves, just as they are. We see their Souls: their feminine, witnessing nature that does not judge and does not expect, but simply gazes with love. We see the masculine nature of their Spirits: exuding energy and trust, creating a place of safety in which the Mortal in both Ellen and Alma can be in love. This is the picture of the Mortal, the Soul, and the Spirit together in harmony and love. This is what we are capable of, and this is what we must re-member, and this year 2008 will be our year of re-membrance. 2008 is such a wonderful year in which to re-member! The 2 reminds us of Soul and Spirit as do the 00, and the 8 seems to be a perfect symbol of Soul and Spirit interwoven with the Mortal! So let’s re-member together!
The year in which we begin to replace the prevailing atmosphere of hatred and fear with one of love and creativity. If we are to live our lives lovingly, we must start with ourselves and then spread the movement outwards and upwards. First, we must re-member. We must recover and treasure the three members of our nature, for only when these three parts are in balance are we capable of giving and receiving unconditional love
This is a picture of unconditional love. There is nothing at all between Alma and Ellen except love, and the love is expressed in The Gaze. The three parts of their Trinitarian nature are so apparent. We clearly see their Mortal selves, just as they are. We see their Souls: their feminine, witnessing nature that does not judge and does not expect, but simply gazes with love. We see the masculine nature of their Spirits: exuding energy and trust, creating a place of safety in which the Mortal in both Ellen and Alma can be in love. This is the picture of the Mortal, the Soul, and the Spirit together in harmony and love. This is what we are capable of, and this is what we must re-member, and this year 2008 will be our year of re-membrance. 2008 is such a wonderful year in which to re-member! The 2 reminds us of Soul and Spirit as do the 00, and the 8 seems to be a perfect symbol of Soul and Spirit interwoven with the Mortal! So let’s re-member together!
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